Monday, July 20, 2009
clarity

i wish i had clarity, of thought, of mind, and i were like many people who know just exactly what they want in life, and go all out to plan and work towards it. im not decisive, especially over big decisions (ok and small ones too) and even when i've decided, i hesitate and i still consider and ponder, and get influenced by other people... so annoying right! i think i am easy distracted/im not focused. but more importantly, i think i have no guts ):

i know what i have to do, about something that cant continue to go on like this, but i hate the thought of being a quiter and not being able to tough it out, even though i know at the same time that toughing it out and staying to the end is going to make me miserable, sacrifice much in the process and i know that it's just plain not worth it.

pardon my morbid analogy, but it's like being trapped underwater because something fell on your finger, and lets say it's a non-crucial digit, like the baby finger, and it's possible to leave the finger behind and flee to safety intact, albeit sans a digit. it's extremely difficult to give up on that finger, even though it really does not factor in that significantly into one's quality of life in the bigger scheme of things. anyway, if one doesn't give up on that finger, there's no quality of life to debate about in the first place. but of course, it's impossible to not hold on to the hope that maybe there's a better, less drastic way of getting out of the situation, especially with all digits intact. but holding onto that sort of hope for too long is probably going to screw one over instead. the person with the finger trapped under a rock is me right now, i know the odds, and i know what's at stake, it's just that ripping my (figurative, not literal, in case you're worried. HAHA) finger off is damn bloody hard. im scared i regret this.