Wednesday, October 28, 2009
cuz there's beauty in the breakdown

hopefully i can find it.

maybe im so screwed up now cuz all these feelings, frustrations, worries, considerations that i have have nowhere to go, they'll all trapped inside of me, and i dont know how to let them out. i cant describe it properly with words, for me words come out clumsily, i don't know how to express the depth of my feelings/ even how to express some of the things i feel sometimes. love, hate, anger, happiness are but categories. the nuances in the categories are so difficult to explain. and even then, sometimes the lines between categories are indistinct.
that's why i love dance, more than pretty lines and being able to do things that require skill, it gives me a voice. you just feel, and move. your body is the instrument through which you try and convey across what you feel. i didnt know giving it up would make me feel this bad, but i still dont regret not being a part of ___ anymore. i cant explain it, but there's just something about dancing that makes me feel more settled, or perhaps at the end of it im just too tired to feel anything anymore. even if what im dancing runs contrary to my current state of mind, maybe it's just all that feeling of the music and movement and channelling it that saps away at the pent up emotional energy. i have no idea. or maybe it's just because it's the one time where you can just show everything you feel, (in fact the more you show the better) and there is no need to veil or hide or do any of those things we always do in our daily lives, pretending not to be angry etc. it's just raw emotion, and nobody's going to care. maybe there's liberation in that.

i guess this is why novelists write, and directors direct, and actors take roles upon themselves. maybe it's because we feel so much yet it's so difficult express it, so we take to various things like through a story, or a song in hopes of putting across the multitude of what we feel.