Friday, April 02, 2010

i've truly changed. and how do i know that i really have? i was reflecting on that while staying in the car when my parents went to buy fans from courts today.

and then i got my answer, it's because i've been changed from the inside out, not by my own strength, but by the grace of God. and all this progress that i've made, into becoming at least some semblance of the person that i eventually want to become, i never want to lose sight of. and it's always going to be a work in progress, and there's no resting on one's laurels, it's not possible to achieve complete God-likeness. i realise that now, and change can't happen in the blink of an eye just because we want it to.

it's hard to explain but i feel like a fog has been lifted and suddenly i can see for miles and miles. i can't see the end, but i can see much further than i used to be able to see. i saw myself for who i was, and didn't like what i saw, and now, i feel like at least in some ways, i am beginning to become a person that i myself can begin to like.

my faults i have many. pride, sloth, lack of discipline, quick to anger, not truly listening when others are speaking... but i know these things now, and i say this not because im merely going through the motions, and not really fully grasping the significance of each. but it's like one of those ancient locks to open secret passageways and the like in movies, i finally had the right key, and something slid into place and all the cogs turned and finally, i stand in front of a door wide open, and i see. for the first time in a long time, i see myself, who i am, who i can become, and who i want to be.

i feel that something in my core has changed, and for awhile, there have been things that i knew needed working on, and i worked on those. but now that i've got those things on the right track, there are other things that i feel that i can take on now, and want to take on. in some ways i do feel that it'll be unfair if i don't get to try working on certain things, but ultimately, either way things go i know that one day, whichever path it is that i have to walk down, upon hindsight, i would be able to say that i have become a better person from whatever it may be. no idea how long it'll take, but because God's grace doesn't tire, i'll get there eventually. because we can't always get what we want, no matter how badly we may want it right? but the things that get to me the most are what-ifs, if-onlys and maybes. they're things that i cant live with. even if all the odds are stacked against me, i'll always choose to find out. and maybe being this way isn't the smartest thing to do, and i have scars (and a fracture) to prove it; in primary 1 i wanted to know how far i could jump, so i jumped, from one table to another, schoolbag and all, and broke my arm. i wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, i know. but i never regretted it. it was a pain but mostly just cuz i remember that inside the cast was itchy and hard to scratch, but the whole experience was quite cool after all, i never knew before that that bones could break, or what it felt like to actually break them, or that they could take xrays and show me what was happening inside, and all the things like that. i've scrapped my knees countless times, and maybe i could have avoided them. but i just accept that they happen, take stock and learn from it what my limitations are (like how without proper training, i don't have an inborn gift for the beam, so it's best to not attempt anything aside from walking across unless taught), and pick myself up again. maybe by not taking those chances it would have spared me some pain and scars, but i know from experience that the memory of the former fades eventually, and the latter they go away eventually too. but whether i fall or not, it's never purely loss and no gain, there is always something to take away from that experience. so that's why i'll always try, because at least then i can use the experience to build myself up, rather than let the never knowing eat away at me.

i learn best from experience.